What I write here is NOTHING to do with my personal or private life/those involved in that or who I want there. This is FROM ME. ABOUT ME. If I want to stop music that COME FROM ME. Respect it. Embrace it. People don’t have to like it or understand it. Honestly I have NO CLUE where life is going or where it’s going to end up. None of us do. Just some of us make a consciencious choice & decision to MAKE SOME THING OF IT. To take it some where. I really couldn’t care less if some one or some people are “famous” or “celebrity”. They pay taxes, they’re a citizen of their country, they have to eat, sleep, wash, go to the toilet. THEY’RE HUMAN BEINGS. We’re all just people.
I used to think for a long time that always others were right & told me unspokenly “i told you so” now that’s changed. I was subjected to horrible awful emotional trauma, my own extreme personal problems. Do others think of their lives from others perpectives? That I NEVER EVER want to be different or be singled out due to having a disability. It took me a super awful long time to self realize & see that it was OK TO BE DIFFERENT. Just I feel that I can’t always lie to protect others all the time. That I gave up something, a part of me & others don’t change. They can continue on as if nothing happened. What hurts me is I don’t an acknowledgement for those I support. Thank you should be the first thing that is said. It never seems people are grateful.
I want to state some thing which I believe in. Yet I can’t be tactful on it. I just have to say what I want to say. That business can’t ALWAYS not be or become personal. Some times I DESPISE not just hate that it is kept separate. Yet in other times people can’t use business for personal reasons. Rethink it, re-examine it, yet maybe my own words I need to tell myself; if you keep asking the same question, do you immediately arrive at the same answer, outcome or solution? Notably yes, so you ask a different question, do that lead you back to the 1st & that answer? Hence why I’m frustrated.
Perhaps you can’t look for the answer, you have to do something else & NOT LOOK, see a different angle to involve the or those people whom are not directionally business related? Then balance that against not leaving them out or letting “work” consume that they’re not important, their day is asked about, they are known they are loved & cared about. Maybe life is just as much about time/timing as much a music, dance, theatre, management, business, economics, education are run? I don’t have the answers. I’m just ONE PERSON. I don’t want to give up what I know, yet it feels like I already have. There are so many things I wish I could do in life, which involve money I don’t have. They involve commitment I’m not sure I want to give. Honestly at the end of the day I’m intelligent, I’m smart, I know a lot of things about math, science, art that most people generally wouldn’t. Yet I don’t want to be lumped in with the general populous, constantly trying to find myself not just without work, yet in an area where I don’t fit in. Be the kid or person in school whom everybody side steps & takes the time to ignore. The one whom everyone makes fun of.
What I am saying is it TAKES TIME to make a name for yourself. To establish who you are. Not just professionally, yet your own self identity. Perhaps those who have need to mentor those who haven’t. Who see what can become, has a sense of value, they are prepared to work hard for. What makes it harder than those who have already done it maybe society & social values. I don’t think at dinner parties or social events we should be asking “so what is it you do?” as in your profession, how about “so how is it that you do that (what you do)?” Why now do we always look at the negatives not the positives? Why do we always have to look for public recognition instead of private? Why DOES or do we let as people society dictate & interact as humans, as a nation, as a race? Suddenly online & social media or RPG & MMRPG with game consoles the only way we communicate? Is that going to be THE ONLY WAY we communicate?
If you are a long distance away from someone, understandably not that you don’t want to call, yet you can’t just pick up the phone, visit them etc. So what’s the solution? Again I feel we ask the same question only to get or arrive at the same answer. So isn’t it worth making TIME AWAY to see or figure out A NEW DIRRECTION to how things are being done COULD BE DIFFERENT? I can’t say no & walk away, yet I feel I’ve been saying yes so many times & for so long now it hurts already, it’s being ignored & that it’s not getting recognition to celebrate or go forward. I want people to realize & TAKE IN, PROCESS, TAKE ON BOARD I can’t just drop everything I have on, I need to & time to figure out to be there for others, when their/your outcome is always the same. That others don’t make changes, sacrifices, transistions coz they have obligations & commitments to adhere too. Yet I feel questions that should be asked, aren’t being asked. Expectations are being made by me & NOT BY OTHERS.
So as a nation, a population, a race don’t we have to ACCEPT & ACKNOWLEDGE change to evolve, to grow, to go forth? That adapation is equal to survival? The hunters law, not just Darwin’s theory of evolution, survival of the fittest. The Alpha complex. The one that survives the most will come out on top? I see a lot of life’s constants changing with the recession & the economic hardships being or becoming stagnant. Yet what hurts the most is not those who are lazy, who give up hope, who can’t be bothered, those who want some thing, are prepared to work & give it their all to find or reach their goal, to make a dream true, yet can’t reach it. Can’t get to that place.
I know that a lot. Some times once you have that goal, professionally, you find it’s not for you & it’s all you know. You don’t know if it’s what you want, how DO you start again? This is the problem of the recession, people out of work, people needing work to feed themselves, pay rent, pay bills, or a family, yet society doesn’t include an option to support this. Government doesn’t care or have resources to accomodate social welfare. It becomes a vicious circle of wanting out when you can’t get out. Some times you just have to cut loose. When you cut loose it isn’t what you thought sucks. Like my life now, it’s too late to do anything about, yet “justice” in your eyes can’t be served, coz that costs money you don’t have. It costs the loosing the lives of others, the trust & respect of those you love. Some times it means corruption. Your money pays for the lie, fear & intimidation = some one staying silent vs speaking out.
This is the future we will live sleep eat daily. A future that will cost lives, careers, families. Yet still others in general would prefer to stay silent whereas I stand by the one thing I know that will forever make me different, even if I’m bought, I can’t lie. Maybe now I’m ready to make this album, yet how & I go about it I have no total idea. To me, being in, involved & doing music, to me that doesn’t make me a musician. The world’s got enough of THEM, knowing how; to have, be honest & humanity, to me that takes greater strength, self will, realization vs all accolades, achievements will ever do.
